Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

 

-because the grass tickles their butt!

Edited January 30, 201115 yr by Eliphas

How do you know a woman's been using your computer?

There's white out on the screen.

Barack Obama, Nicholas Sarkozy and Nelson Mandela were flying on a plane. Obama sticks his hand out the window and says 'we're flying over the US' the others ask him how he knows, 'because my hand just brushed the empire state building' . A few hours later Nicholas Sarkozy sticks his hand out the window and says 'we're flying over France' when asked how he knows,'my hand just brushed the eifel tower'. A few more hours go by and Neslon Mandela sticks his hand out the window and says 'We're over South Africa' when asked how he knows, 'because my watch is missing'.

 

You probably have to have lived in South Africa to fully appreciate that one.

 

Got another, a lawyer, a hippy, Michael Jackson and a 10 year old boy are on a plane when the pilot anounces that it is going to crash and they only have one parachute. They are arguing over who gets the parachute when the hippy says 'give it to the boy'. The lawyer responds with '**** the boy' to which Michael Jackson asks 'do you think we have time?"

lol.

 

Chuck Norris can clap one handed.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Tiwce.

Chuck Norris has another fist under his beard.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a "Ctrl" button on his keyboard. Because Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can sharpen a pen.

Chuck Norris doesn't have nightmares. Nightmares have chuck norris... and then have to go pee.

Chuck Norris can download Apple apps to his Blackberry.

Chuck Norris farted once. It was called the Manhattan Project.

Chuck Norris can climb a ladder without his hands or feet.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with steel wool.

Chuck Norris is the meaning of life. To bad he's also the meaning of death.

Chuck Norris uses a nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death would rather die than tell Chuck that.

Chuck Norris is the only man allowed to touch Mr. T's mohawk.

Chuck Norris went sky diving. He promised to never do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can punch a ghost back to reality.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the sh*t out of it.

Chuck Norris was in all the star wars movies... As the force.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

 

 

There is more...

 

To Chuck, a Zombie Apocalypse is just a bonus round.

Once, Chuck explained sound to a deaf person.

The original title for AVP was going to be Aliens and predators Vs. Chuck Norris. But the producers realised no-one wanted to see a film 9 seconds long.

When Chuck is swimming, don't bump into him... We don't want the Titanic happening again.

little boys sleep with superman pyjamas on. Superman sleeps with Chuck Norris pyjamas on.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

 

And finally my favorite:

 

When Chuck Norris was asked if he believed the world was going to end in the year 2012 he responded: "Depends on how i'm feeling that day."

ROTFL! Dying of laughter...gasping....

 

Sorry, I have nothing to top Chuck Norris.

I freakin' love the jokes, they are a work of Geni.

A pony walks into a bar, asks for a glass of water and says, "excuse me, i'm a little hoarse"

A mean spirited old woman is sitting at a bar when a crocodile walks in asks her for drugs. The woman scoffs at the crocodile, who promptly eats the woman. The bar tender then leans over to the crocodile and says 'that's a bar bitch you ate'.

A mean spirited old woman is sitting at a bar when a crocodile walks in asks her for drugs. The woman scoffs at the crocodile, who promptly eats the woman. The bar tender then leans over to the crocodile and says 'that's a bar bitch you ate'.

 

 

Heehee...that one took me a moment, but then

Knock-knock.

 

Who's there?

 

You know.

 

You know who?

 

That's right! Ha-ha...AVADA KEDAVRA!!

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

 

I want moar jokes

Sex is not the answer.

 

Sex is the question.

 

"Yes" is the answer.

Don't argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing i want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

 

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

S(he) be(lie)ves.

Never get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

 

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

 

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

 

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

 

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

 

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

 

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

 

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

 

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Two old Indian men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

 

The madam takes one look at the two old Indians and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

 

The manager does as he is told and the two old Indian men go upstairs and take care of their business.

 

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

 

"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"

 

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

 

His friend says, "could be worse I think mine was a witch."

 

"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"

 

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

 

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these

stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

 

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and

before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

 

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

 

"It sure was," said the little girl.

 

"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"

but before she could say '*uck!' the Rottweiler ate her!"

D3mon. Congratulations. You have one my respect as a funny person for your wonderful contributions to this thread. Thank you for joining us.

k.. This one is for my fellow programmers (I hope there are some here )

 

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

 

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

 

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

 

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

 

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

Edited March 31, 201115 yr by d3mon

Not a joke but we need to revive this thread, everyone needs a chuckle during wartime...

 

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