20 replies to this topic

[Simternity]

Share and discuss the best jokes you know.

 

I'll start with this one.

 

An inifinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first
mathematician says, "I'll have a pint." The second mathematician says,
"I'll have half a pint." The third mathematician says, "I'll have a
quarter of a pint." The fourth mathematician says, "I'll have an eighth
of a pint." The bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two
pints.

 

[Samus]

10/10 joke, will tell friends at party

lol nice effort tho

[onbekende]

...

 

you do know that 1+1/2+1/3+1/4+1/5+... leads to infinity he?

 

You want 1+1/3+1/6+1/10+1/15+...

[Rhizoctonia]

A guy walks into a bar

[AngelCruzdelaSant]

All my jokes are too offensive for IRON

[Rhizoctonia]

All my jokes are too offensive for IRON

 

 

No such thing

[AngelCruzdelaSant]

Yes

[Sweeeeet Ronny D]

can i post up the aristocrats joke i put up in the VE forums that was so offensive that it got me temperarily suspended?

[Sweeeeet Ronny D]

PLEASE NOTE THIS JOKE IS NOT FOR THE FEINT OF HEART AND I WILL PROBABLY
GET YELLED AT FOR POSTING THIS OR GET IMMEDIATELY DELETED

That being said... ENJOY!



A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son,
daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really
amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little
too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want
to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

"First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music
reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and
undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano.

Just as I finish playing the song with my cock, my wife strips and does a
backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the
floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage
juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the
lawn darts in her cunt, she then manages to queef them out, making her
the third part of this juggling act.

The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start
smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully
aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps
on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in
the eyes of my offspring.

Once I cum, I run into the audience, shit-covered body still sticky with
cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I
strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while
screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming,
"Fuck the niggers" while mutually masturbating, and my father and
mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and
jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate
to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me.

As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids,
and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the
sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again
and they start sodomizing and fisting one another.

My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits
all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who
take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass.

By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to shit in each
other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense
shit in his sister's vagina while my daughter shits in my son's nose.

My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly
thereafter, and the menses and boy-shit in her cunt make for great lube,
as each of my in-laws begin fucking my daughter. My son, blinded in
shit, heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression
while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the
crowd.

She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin
screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude
exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler,
which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole.

By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start fucking the dead baby
inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and
fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my
daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge
powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my
mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled.

The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he
collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth,
my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her shit covered pussy lips all
over my crippled mother-in-law.

My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing
her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of
my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's cock.

I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and
then take turns fucking my daughter and eating the menses and shit out
of her tight cunt.

Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and
chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of
'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and
the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family
dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on
her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter
stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire.

The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to fuck the
burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins
goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing shit out of her cunt and
offering Nazi salutes to the audience.

My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it
for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled
mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we
play a game of naked chicken.

Once my son finishes fucking the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the
piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like
jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god
have you forsaken me?"

My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo.
My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage
and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music"

I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading
back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird."

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he
manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

[Jeff Goines]

Oh, now you have to!

Edit:

Thanks!
This is one of the better ones indeed :-)

[onbekende]

seen better, heared better, writen short ones.

[Blaskowicz]

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom, and goes to buy the tickets. He waits in the ticket line for a long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long, longer than the ticket line, but eventually he does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long, much longer than the two previous lines, but after a really long time he gets the flowers. At prom, his girlfriend gets thirsty and asks him to get her some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

[Chadster]

That's a pretty good one, but here's one I have:

 

A man is driving down the road in a truck full of penguins. A police officer pulls him over and says, "What are you doing with those penguins? Take them to the zoo immediately!" The man apologizes to the cop and drives away.

 

The next day the man is on the road with his penguins again. The same police officer pulls him over and asks, furiously, "What are you still doing with those penguins? I thought I told you to return them to the zoo!" The man replies confused, "I did take them to the zoo.!Tomorrow, we're going to the beach!"

[Blaskowicz]

Q: Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? 

A: It went OK.

[onbekende]

 

thats K₂O you fool

[AngelCruzdelaSant]

Lol chemistry fail

[Flat top Tony]

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down and asks the bartender for bamboo. The bartender gives him the bamboo, he eats it, pulls out a gun and kills everyone in the bar except the bartender. that panda gets down from his bar stool and walks out. Puzzled and shocked by this incident the bartender looks up panda in the dictionary and reads "Panda: Black and White bear native to china, eats bamboo shoots and leaves."

[Rhizoctonia]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

[K33PS]

here is a good one since censoring is not an issue.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

[Ovidsidios]

Hehe

 

I heard it's hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs. They're always taking things literally.