They say that pets have no concept of death.
And that's truly a blessing.
But that awful certainty lurks, like a dark cloud
In the mind of every true pet lover.
Six hours ago, I had to put my buddy, my best friend, my dog Caesar to forever sleep.
I'm not doing this for attention. I frankly don't need it. I have the love and support of my husband, and our family.
I'm doing this because its cathartic.
I've cried, I've raged, and I've screamed to Valhalla. Just to let them know a true warrior is coming. He was so brave when he walked into the vet for the final time.
I don't know what happened. The Doctor told me he had fluid in his lungs, his organs were enlarged and displaced.
He was fine on Friday night. On Saturday he couldn't walk, he was disoriented, wouldn't eat or drink, and was shaking. He wouldn't go up or down the stairs unless I was standing next to him, with my hand on his back.
This morning when I got up, he was the same. I watched as her walked in circles, coughed, and threw up.
I made the decision to bring him the the Emergency Veterinary Hospital.
Hang the damned expense.
He was alert in the car ride. He loves riding in the car, looking out the window. Basking in the AC.
The Doctor needed to run a bunch of tests. I had to go home, and wait. It was awful. When they called me three hours later they told me all of the bad news. I collapsed to the ground and my husband held me.
There were treatment options, but the Doctor said my best course was to let him go.
I vaguely remember saying "Don't you do a damned thing until I get there. He's not going to die alone in that place."
It took us 15 or twenty minutes to get there. They led us into a room, and I got to say good bye to my buddy. They left us alone to say our good byes. We both cried a lot, and I sat on the floor with him.
I fed him chicken. He loved chicken, but his allergies made it impossible for me to give it to him.
Then I pushed the button, and made the call. The vet came in, and explained what was going to happen.
She gave him a sedative, and he went to sleep.
Then the final needle.
He was gone in less than 30 seconds. His little heart stopped. At least he died in my arms. Which is how I think he wanted to go. Surrounded by the people who loved him so much.
I'm glad I had him in my life. I did my very best to give him the life he deserved.
He was part of my life for 16 years. He'll always be a part of mine.
I miss him so much. Its strange no seeing him curled up on his blanket, or hearing him walk behind me.
Goodbye my buddy. You'll always be a part of me. I'll always love you. I'll always be there for you, just like you were there for me. I'll miss you. I'll always cherish the times we had. You are my friend, my best buddy. I hope you're happy and free of pain. I did my best, and I hope that was good enough to repay everything you gave me.
Rest easy buddy.
I love you.